Hey guys, thanks for sticking around and learning about the ups and downs of my beautiful butterfly. I am screaming! I work out, guys—I work out! I was working out 4 to 5 days a week. I hit the gym and on weekends, I would walk Stone Mountain. The mountain walks were only during summer and sometimes in the fall and spring, depending on the weather. My gym workouts included Spin class twice a week, weights four times a week, and jumping rope at least three times a week. Cardio, strength training, ab work, stretching, and even the sauna—I was doing it all.
So why was I still fat? Why wouldn’t this weight leave my body? I thought I was eating healthy (we’ll circle back to eating in a later blog). I cleansed, made green smoothies, went meatless for a month or more, ate veggies and fruits, and drank lots of water. I only indulged in sweets during my cycle—not a big sweets eater. I didn’t eat fast food or pork. Beef once in a real blue moon but hardly even. Nothing I shop for. I cooked and rarely went out to dinner, so I knew what went into my meals: good herbs, greens, oils, and vitamins. I’m not a smoker or drinker. My blood work was always A1. I kept up with my doctor checkups.
I decided to give myself a push and tried a diet pill, Phentermine. Guess what? It worked. I lost a lot of weight. I looked good and felt good. But I didn’t like the side effects, so as soon as I felt I was down enough, I weaned off them. Sooner rather than later, I started to gain weight again. I actually got bigger than I was before. I ballooned to 200 lbs. I felt like a pig. Yet, I never stopped exercising or eating “healthy.”
It was another letdown, but I never quit. I tried all types of diet pills; some worked, some didn’t. But none of them was the answer for me. Guess what the culprit was? Say it out loud with me: that BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY! Who knew? Remember, I lived a "healthy" lifestyle. My stress levels were even. I was good. I just thought I wasn’t working hard enough. I tried fasting, increasing workouts, and switching routines. I mean, I was putting in the work.
One good thing: I never went over 200 lbs. I’m sure with all I was doing to control my weight, my butterfly was just as confused as I was. My body kept rejecting itself. WHY, Lord, WHY? I felt bad in my soul. I thought I was doomed to be fat, unhealthy, and uncomfortable in my body. Despite everything I did to stay healthy, I didn’t feel healthy.
Some might think this is a fat-shaming post, but for me, there was nothing to be ashamed of. I was in this skin, and that was it. I felt unfulfilled, lazy, tired, helpless, confused, sad, and like I was beating my head against a wall that wouldn’t break—trapped in my own body.
What was I going to do? How was I going to lose the excess weight I was carrying? Was there a solution? Or was this it?
In my next post, you’ll read about a few things that were happening in my body that I couldn’t explain. Due to my lifestyle, I thought these issues were normal. The connection between all these symptoms wasn’t clear. My body seemed to be in constant trauma and turmoil, and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it. For now, I’ve resolved to keep doing what I’m doing to stay stable and not get worse.
I was going to learn to accept and be happy where I was because I love myself. I just wanted to physically and emotionally feel better. If I couldn't fix the physical, I could at least make sure I was emotionally well.
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